Tuesday, May 22, 2007

My Kind of EmO

As the title says, this post is kinda EMO. Not my usual kind of posts, in fact, this is the 1st time that im publishing something like that here. Exploring the other side of me. My dear frens pls dun be shocked, i arent overtly upset or sth & planning anything drastic. Haha
So if u're looking for a light read, i suggest you skip this super LONG post & scroll down to read the other funny/interesting posts that i've. Plenty. Or at least to me, they're.

Inspired by Verena's mother's day emo post abt her parents..
I decided to write one too. EMO emo emo.
I know what she wants. Not material wealth but care & concern. BUT
All i want is the opposite.
Life's weird isnt it??

I dont need so much unnecessary concern. I dont need so much attention. I arent those plant cells placed under the microscope. I would like to be left alone. Call that living in my own world of whatsoever. Give me $$$, computer w 24h internet access, tv, radio, food (if possible) Thats enough to pacify me. I arent no demanding baby.
I would very much like to be left alone. Thats why im a night owl i guess. I love the silence, feel the isolation & be away from your sight for that precious few hrs. My only escape. The other not-too-constructive escape will be to sleep my way thru. It's like playing dead. Since im a sound sleeper, it's hard2 wake me up if i dont want to. Just like shutting my ears by flapping them closed when i dont want to hear what i alrdy heard a zillion times b4.

Why cant you reach home later?
Spare me the agony of having to listen to a barrage of stuff that you repeat every single day w/o fail, yet stubbornly refused to stop saying. It's always a relief to know that you're asleep, cos i'll get at least a couple of hrs of peace b4 you're awakened by the lights & start bellowing in your thunderous voice to remind me of the time & shoo me off to sleep. Cant you see that i've got work to do? I dont need you to tell the time, i've 4 watches, 2 clocks & 1 hp on my desk, it's not as though i need you to announce to the whole family that it's 2am now.
You think what? Monkey see monkey do? I've my own brain which is in pristine condition & functioning properly. I dont need you to dictate my life. I arent a carbon copy of you either, so pls stop trying to impose your 'perfect life' notions & 'values' on me. STOP!!! I know how to live my life. Definitely NOT the way you live yours.

When i say nothing at all. Doesnt mean i agree with all that crap, it's just that im too tired & lazy to care cos since when you listen to me. You just continue on & on like nobody's business. Yeah. You're always right. I KNOW. Arguing my point just make me feel angrier & feel like throwing a chair to shut you up. Silence is the best remedy.
i dont wanna care & i dont wanna you to care either.
Just leave me alone and i'll be fine. Trust me. I'll be fine & better off that way.

fr33d0m isnt spelt like that. But thats my kind of freedom.
No parental guidance needed as im old enough to shake off unnecessary parental influences thats getting on my nerves. Nothing goes in anyway, so if i were you, i wouldnt bother to care so much.
No... I wont fall into bad company by going out & coming home at night (note: it's nowhere near midnight) I wont be stupid enough to look at some ah beng/ah lian & get myself beaten up in some stairwell. Mind you. I arent a 3yr old sucking lollipops, so you can jolly well stop saying those same old reminders that're so common sense.
I want my freedom.
Just give me more money.
Being constantly thrifty is tiring. It's not that im born with the 美德 of frugality, it's just that there isnt room for me to lavish. Just enough to eat (not in cafes & restaurants but in kopitiams) 吃不饱饿不死 thats the word. I long to be able to splash $ to buy those 1001 things on my wishlist whereby i usually get nothing out of them, except the joy of seeing the item being written on paper. I arent materialistic but retail therapy & 战利品 makes most girls ecstatic.
I always dream of the day whereby im free to shop anywhere i like (i arent talking about Gucci/LV but Far east plaza/Bugis. Not needing to check out the prices e 1st thing i pick up the item, only to put it back in disappointment when i see that beautiful price tag. I dont wanna just walk away again.

Im pissed with my life. Gets really sickening & monotonous sometimes. So restricted. I wanna break out of it soon. I scream deep down my heart. Feeling the throbbing pain. The trapped soul seeks no way out it the dead end.
I want to break away but i cant. The feathers on my wings have taken shape, but has yet matured, cant withstand long flights, cos i lack sth really impt in life. It isnt everything, but if u dun have it, dun ever think of venturing far.

Think a maze with 101 dead ends. It isnt meant to be completed.
You gotta tear down those walls.
My cool exterior belies the fury hot devil that lies within.
Tipping the scales too much may mix the wrong chemicals & a bomb's gotta tick.

I arent the typical angsty teen i guess. I've nth against e society for my 'plight'. It's just ME. A person with diff stimes contrasting views & thoughts, i call that e diff side of me (not split personality la) I rmb wat Yi-an said b4, my ans to Qs are usually diff from the rest, i can like tell her there's 2 ways to view the issue & explain each side then think of the 3rd way to answer along the way. Sounds so GP. I can see multiple sides of the story, i can put myself in diff pple's shoes, but when i do that & see the light yet the person dont, i get annoyed.

Besides threats dont work on me. I rmb putting that as my msn nick sometime back when i got all Fk-ed up. You threaten me say you'll do this do that if i dont do this do that, say you'll get angry & hit me. Oh c'mon. You think im such a weakling? Violence begets violence. Dont think i dun dare to resort to violence when the god-damned situation arises. You forced me too.

Speak of the raging fury hot devil waiting to break out. The trapped soul thats pounding on the windows of my heart longing to be let out for some fresh air. Suffocating in my own silent shell.
Interventions. Restrictions. Barriers. Boundaries. Obstacles.
Im stuck.

But i arent giving up. Just waiting. WAITING. For my wings to be ready to take flight. I dont feel that sense of belonging when i should, given e conventional thinking that im better taken care of with QUALITY time spent with parents. Fuck the convention. QUANTITY is inequivalent to QUALITY folks!

Tears rolled down my cheeks whenever i think of this, so writing this issue is a big chore. Im wasting tissues. Always been like that thats why i rarely spoke of this. I adopt a devil-may-care attitude to protect myself, a young soul thats weary & believe that theres no easy way out. I cant choose e family im born into right?

Tears. Tears. Tears. Silent as they can be. But nonetheless a powerful form of expulsion.
Not crying out to attract attention. Not crying out with tears of joy. But overwhelmed by emotions.
Like a river that bursts it's banks, tears flow when thoughts of frustration & helplessness set in. There's little i can do to stop it.. except not to think of it. Not very constructive of course. Outcome of Project Problem: UNSOLVED.

Soaking up the beautiful serenity of the night. The transquility is marred only by the sounds of trickling water down the pipes, e occasional solitary vehicle on the road & e flipping of my foolscap paper draft (4pgs in all). I arent gg2 do much editing, but i drafted it by hand as my frantic typing on the keyboard will certainly wake someone up & an unwelcome round of naggings ensues...
I dont want all that.

FREEDOM. Looks like an easy word.
Yes, easy to write but not to gain
The comforts of isolation & solace of e peaceful night dissipated my tears.
I can feel that 2 wells drying up..
The cool shimmering 2am nightsky illuminates my heart.
What beautiful calmness that give me strength to move on.
The night is still young.

Another new day beckons...


断翼天使 CLOUD

yunn. at 12:29 AM